Venustas - means Beauty in Latin.

The Funky Chicken

2005-12-08T11:12:00.000+08:00

http://www.geocities.com/lunar_feak/me.html
I came across this site through the Caringonline-Eating Resource webring which I'm part of.
I thought it was worth a look in, its always good to see that there is light on the other side, that its not always an easy road to recovery but you can get there and go on to live a healthy life, here is a paragraph from her site (Go check her out!!)

'Another of my demons. I have no idea how long I suffered from this, I recon since I was around 11. I know it was at its worst when I was 15. I used anorexia as a way to escape from my depression and all the nasty thoughts. Filling my head up with thoughts on weight, how to loose it, and calories, to avoid dealing with my crappy existance. For most of my adolescence, all my memories are to do with food, and how fat and repulsive I felt at the time.'

Feelings

2005-11-28T19:52:00.000+08:00

I will post more info on male anorexia as I find it but as it is very scarce, it will be in between my new entries.

This time of year always conjures up old feelings from my acute anorexic years, because it was so close to Christmas, end of the school, while all my friends were partying and celebrating the end of 12 years of school, I was lying in bed, wasting away to near death.

The other day I saw a woman about 20ish carrying a 1 year old on her hip, and I noticed there wasn’t any flesh on her hip and her legs were like sticks. My heart skipped a beat…so many emotions went through my body but the strongest was this overwhelming sense of anger. I wanted to stop her and tell her what she was doing was crazy, she ought to eat something, that life was too short and it just wasn’t worth it…just to name a few. I was so close to doing it about 10 times, of course she ends being wherever I was, having children myself naturally the likelihood of ending up in the toy department was very high. I refrained and in the end I had to ignore her, cause for some reason I had this enormous urge to shake her! I have spent years and years recovering and here is this woman with a child – a future generation to nurture and what kind of role model was she choosing to be.. one I strive to avoid being, everyday. It was not a good feeling.

My thoughts today

2005-10-29T11:22:00.000+08:00

I thought it was time that I shared some of my thoughts today but before I do, if you have ever looked into the archives of my blog or have read the paragraph in my heading and wondered where is the rest of my story is...well its not completed, as it is still extremely hard to reflect back to my painful anorexic days, in order to write it, I find I'm reliving it, so my story will continue, just over time.
Now to today. While searching for websites on male anorexia, I have had many flashbacks to various things people said to me and my friends/ family reactions. They varied so much but what stands out the most is the reactions from the male members in my family. They felt helpless and distanced themselves from me. I to this day still don't know what they were feeling or thinking, we really don't talk a great deal, let alone about that painful time in my life. Which just goes to show how hard it must be for male anorexics to get help, when our Dad's, Brother's, buddies can't talk about it with us and want to pretend its not happening or want you to just get over it.
Its so important that the father's of tommorrow strive to open up the communication with their sons, so that there is a loving environment for these young men to share their hearts with the people that matter to them the most.

2005-10-29T09:03:00.000+08:00

I have this site in my favourites as it is very informative:
http://www.anred.com/toc.html
and here is the direct link to an article on male anorexia which is also in the contents of the above website:
http://www.anred.com/males.html
A paragraph from the above article.
"Clinics and counselors see many more females than males, but that may be because males are reluctant to confess having what has become known as a "women's problem." Also, health professionals do not expect to see eating disorders in males and may therefore underdiagnose them".

2005-10-23T07:36:00.000+08:00

I found this article...finally!! something, anything on the male side of anorexia. This article is written by - Melissa Kardash, here is a paragraph from her article:

"These authors propose that unlike females, males form body images through participation in sports. From the time that males are born they are presented with a concept of being a man. Males are expected to provide for the family, be competitive, aggressive, courageous, and strong. Symptoms of anorexia nervosa tend to be the same as for female; each individual’s history must be look at to determine the onset of the disorder."

If you want to read more about what she had to see, follow this link;
http://www.cyc-net.org/cyc-online/cycol-0304-anorexia.html

Male Anorexia

2005-10-10T07:38:00.000+08:00

There is so much focus on female anorexia, that I thought it was time to find out what internet sites and information is out there for males...so far its looking grim, this is a picture of Michael Krasnow of Hollywood, Florida who has written a book called
"My Life as a Male Anorexic"

Watch this space as I will post more info as I find it...
The search is on!!

Feedback

2005-07-05T16:02:00.000+08:00

One thing I would love is to hear your opinions, to know what you think of anything I produce, opinions on issues that are close to your hearts. It all helps make this a better place to visit, and come back to. Please I welcome all your opinions and would love to get to know you.

Real Thing

2005-07-05T16:00:00.000+08:00

The following is a little blurb on the human skeleton, it really is just an illustration of how close anorexics come to being almost the skeleton with skin and a touch of (if I dare say it FAT)

The skeleton is the framework of the human anatomy, supporting the body and protecting its internal organs. Two hundred and six bones compose the skeleton, about half of which are in the hands and feet. Most of the bones are connected to other bones at flexible joints, which lend the framework a high degree of flexibility. Only one bone, the hyoid, is not directly connected to another bone in such an articulation. It anchors the tongue and is attached to the styloid processes of the skull by ligament. The skeletons of male and female bodies are essentially the same, with the only noteworthy exceptions being that female bones are usually lighter and thinner than male bones, and the female pelvis is shallower and wider than the male's. This latter difference makes childbirth easier.

Expectations

2005-07-05T15:55:00.000+08:00

Bones Bones Bones Bones...Thats what you see, all because one comtemplates that apple, that extra piece of food and what extra pounds it might add to our hips.
I know what thought processes go through your mind when your in such a state that an apple is a threat, that one has an anxiety attack before going to a resturant with your family all because they cook with more fat than you allow yourself for the day.

Anorexia has no boundaries

2005-07-05T15:54:00.000+08:00

I was unable to fit all the flags in the world on this one page, so my apologies for those that don't appear. More to the point. There is no predujiuce for this disorder, it seems women and men across the world suffer...some countries more than others due to a larger western influence in their everyday attitudes and perspective on life.
Anorexia has no Boundaries.

Skeletal

2005-07-05T15:47:00.000+08:00

If you compare these images to the above write up on skeletons, its quite scary and how close these images look to the real thing..sad to say but these poor women (I include myself in this statement when I once suffered, so I'm not being condescending) are walking skeletons and little do they realise how close their bodies have come to the real thing. Thats the scariest part of Anorexia is how the mind can be trained to believe one is so FAT despite how close one is walking to their death.

Male Sufferers

2005-07-05T15:33:00.000+08:00

Male

A little while ago I read on a few sites that there wasn't much help around for men who suffer from anorexia. I didn't really think much about it, despite the fact my own brother suffered too but because he was male, he didn't get the same attention that I did, men have higher expectations on them to be tough..When I typed in male anorexia in google, this is one of the images that appeared. Seems abit grim for our men. Almost seems like there is no middle road for them, its either healthy (silently suffering) and then Dead!!

Fairy Barbie

2005-05-04T08:19:00.000+08:00

http://www.darkharbor.com/noriko/dolls/

I was browsing through this webpage and I could totally relate to that inner girls desire to play with dolls...
I had a few Barbies, a few clothes, Ken...enough to keep me occupied in my mystical world of why Barbie won't talk to Ken today.
Most girls experience playing with small replicas of the human form whether it be Barbie, Bratz, Myscene dolls, you name it, whatever tickles your fancy. Its all out there, all cultures, fashion sense, etc.
Unfortunately this market is exploited...what a great opportunity for us to set examples for our young girls of a Healthy Voluptuous women!! Women of all shapes and sizes, and the same for our male counterparts.
There is so much we can do to help teach our boys and girls that no matter how they look, they are normal and that there heart is the most important part of who they are. I long for the day when toy producers are not influenced so strongly by the fashion industry. I think its important for children to play with dolls in whatever form, I think it will be a great day when we produce unpredijuiced toys!!!
This website where I picked up this barbie image is worth a visit just to see this woman's collection.

Guilt

2005-05-01T09:39:00.000+08:00

I went for a drive in our local park reserve that overlooks our city during a very rainy night, the view was beautiful, I've always come here for inspiration. This particular night, I had all these memories flash through my mind of when I was fit and ran here with my Dad. For the first time I thought about it from a different perspective, its always been a ME oriented thought in regards to the lead up from this point of fitness to fatally thin.
I wondered...
How was my dad feeling, he came running with me, I - as a fit athletic teenager who over time could only walk up and down the hill because any more I would have collapsed.
What must he have been feeling?
It must have been heartbreaking to watch his little girl inflict this pain on herself. He must have felt helpless.
I can for the first time, feel the intensity of his sorrow for his skeletal daughter. I put him through this because I feared being FAT. How insane was that, real, very real feelings but insane.
I am truly sorry for causing this grief towards my loved ones, and in hindsight, like all of us, I wouldn't have taken that step too far, I would have stopped to enjoy my life while youth was on my side.
However I didn't and that was the path I chose to take and now I must keeping going forward from the point I am now. I can only hope now that this next generation that I'm raising will find freedom in being who they are. Freedom to be Voluptuous and to be confident in their beauty as they transform from childhood to womanhood !!!

Feelings

2005-04-29T23:16:00.000+08:00

As I have roamed the internet looking at different sites on Annorexia Recovery, it brings a lot of memories back, and writing this site is still challenging today. What a time I had, and how low my self esteem was. I am a much healthier weight today, as you can see the extra meat around my bones. I still find to this day that I can slip into the old thought pattern of associating my self worth with the shape of my body. Its an alluring trap, as the pressures are still in the media, to look like the perfect size, particularly after children, in actual fact the pressure has increased to return to my size before my pregnancy. With a very loving and supportive partner, I am able to accept this new process in my life, this change. I am now a WOMAN, I am now a leader for the future generation that I'm raising. I am the role model for my girls. Its so important I don't fall into old ways or even thought patterns. My girls are watching me, it is such a critical time and its one area I promised myself I would show my girls they are worthy of love, life and more no matter what they looked like on the outside, their hearts should be allowed to shine.

2005-04-29T23:07:00.000+08:00

Recovery

Skinny versus FAT

2005-04-27T21:48:00.000+08:00

Our souls are so precious, we are influenced by so many pressures, expectations of these modern times, the pace of life moves at a fast rate. Technology might advance, and our minds might even keep up but do our hearts have enough time to grow, to bloom before the influences of an everchanging world, crush and taint our hearts. How does one protect themselves. One could see that the Anorexic sufferer is trying to find a way to protect their heart while they are learning ways to walk in this world. There are many reasons men and women allow themselves to suffer in this way, and they are unique in their experience, and not one person to the next can fully understand the others' brokeness but we can share suffering, we can hold each other, love each other, we are all responsible in the sharing of unconditional love and when one or two or three but it only takes one to stop loving themselves and others that this ring of love and nurturing is broken. How can we keep this link going with the cycle continually being broken by other broken hearts. we must try to keep our hearts centred and not to be taken away from the ring, and draw from our spiritual source and keep giving this love to those that do remain within the ring and as broken hearts drift by, the witness of this love will draw them and in hope keep them and increase this circle of love. Let us know when it is time for us to let love flourish and cycle far beyond the most advanced technology.

Skinny versus FAT!

2005-04-25T13:21:00.000+08:00

Angels watching over me always

I believe that Anorexics are very similiar to Alcoholics. The difference are the addiction itself. Anorexics are addicted to restricting their food intake and alcoholics are addicted to alcohol. Both are out of control - to varying degrees.
There are times when an alcoholic has not had a drink for years, yet one is still likely drink too
much even with the passing of time.
There are times when recovering anorexics still have difficulty accepting their food intake is healthy and its okay to eat food to nourish the body.
There is always this inner tug of war.

I feel very saddened by the fact that the fashion industry has such a strong presence in the minds of our young growing girls, to the point that they strive for model type bodies. I speak from my own experience, alongside my own personal issues, the pressure as a teenager to live up to these unatural body types was enormous.

Skinny versus FAT

2005-04-22T20:23:00.000+08:00

I was driving into my local shopping centre when I noticed this mature lady - about 55-60yrs. The most outstanding thing about her was she was very bony looking, as I look closer I noticed this gaunt look on her face and her jeans were only just staying up - way too big in the legs. Now it just goes to show there is no age boundary for anorexia sufferers. I'm sure all she sees is FAT when she looks in the mirror.

Beach

2005-04-22T14:10:00.000+08:00

One of the places I used to go to clear my head when life semed too much to handle

About me!

2005-04-22T12:17:00.000+08:00

I thought it might be time to start sharing my story...so here goes...

At the age of 16years I struggled with my weight, I was weighing 72kg and feeling very sad, lonely, depressed and after trying many times to lose weight, I was feeling helpless. As I got closer to my next birthday, a series of events started to occur that left me with no friends to talk to. I felt this overwhelming sense to change myself, to transform, so I stoppped myself eating a cream donut in which my dad regularly bought home (having a sweet tooth himself - likely place I got it) I stepped onto the bike and peddled away for about 10 minutes...pretty impressive at the time...I started slow and gradually built up the time until it became 20 minutes every evening. I began Aqua aerobics every evening except weekends and thats when I began to walk. I started to lose some weight within about 2wks. Only 1kg but enough to encourage me to keep going with my routine. I started to change how I ate, cutting out fats and sugar (later on fat in food became my biggest fear). The weight kept coming off, 1 kg a week. I picked up walking in the mornings at this stage on top of my routine. My friends were starting to notice, even my teachers would spend quite a few minutes chatting to me about how I was losing weight. This spurred me on and I cut more out of my diet, exercised more, my studies were improving and I was healthier and happier.

Months were passing and I was getting closer to my ball...I had lost12kgs in 4mths. The weight was starting to just drop off, without much effort, I started to lose 2kgs a week. As I lost more weight, friends and family around me were concerned, I couldn't understand their concern, I still felt good...yet I could still see my fat belly when I looked in the mirror and the scales needed to read less than they did. So I continued with my routine and increasing my exercise and decreasing my food intake. I was getting a buzz from watching the scale reading less, and my uniform falling off my hips. Little did I realise but I was starting to spend less time with my friends and more time at the gym. I didn't listen to anyone, I started to only care about losing weight.

My school ball came around and I looked impressive but I was sitting on the border of being healthy and underweight. Once the ball passed, it seems like this is when I spiralled into the cycle of losing too much weight. I dropped out of attending school and started studying at home but even this became too hard. I weighed 52kg when I pulled out of school altogether and I found myself sitting in my Dad's office with my Mum, discussing the fact I had an eating disorder and that I needed professional help. I didn't have a desire to change my habits, I remember thinking this Anorexia talk was all abit silly.

...will be continued....

2005-04-18T10:09:00.000+08:00

Apples are fat, sodium, and cholesterol free. A medium apples is about 80 calories. Apples are a great source of the fiber pectin. One apple has five grams of fiber.

Diary from October 1992
I lay in my bed, sweating over the thought of eating an apple. I've eaten lunch one and a half hours ago, but those green granny smiths are so tasty. "No!, you've been FAT before", I don't want to put on any weight. I've worked hard to lose weight, "be careful not to slip back to the way you were before".
weighing 49kg's (healthy weight -60kg for my medium frame).

I freted over anything I ate but I always remember this day I panicked about eating an apple too close to my last meal despite the fact, my withering body was craving the nutrients I so desperately needed to live.

2005-04-18T10:08:00.000+08:00

This site is abit of apple fun..illustrating how silly I was and how much FUN I was missing out on.
http://apple-corps.westnet.com/apple_corps.2.html
( when on this site, note:to add to face...click on apple and it will transfer image)

2005-04-18T09:45:00.000+08:00

You can make more substantial food out of apples other than an apple alone

Kerry Apple Cake
175g/ 6oz butter
175g/ 6oz caster sugar
2 eggs, beaten
225g/ 8oz self-raising flour
2 medium cooking apples, peeled, cored and chopped
1tsp lemon rind
2tbsp demerara sugar
pinch cinnamon
pinch nutmeg
Preheat oven to gas mark 4/ 180°C/ 350°F, and grease and line a 900g/ 2lb loaf tin. Cream butter and sugar. Gradually add eggs and flour. Stir in apples and lemon rind. Pour into the tin and sprinkle with sugar and spices. Bake for 1- 1 1/2 hours

For more recipes
http://www.urbanext.uiuc.edu/apples/recipes.html

Dreamergirl pic1

2005-04-11T21:43:00.000+08:00

These two pics came from http://www.dreamer-girl.com/index.htm
Check her out..very creative way to portray this message

Dreamergirl pic2

2005-04-11T21:40:00.000+08:00

a slightly humorous side to a very serious issue

Healing

2005-04-11T14:39:00.000+08:00

God can heal a broken heart, but he has to have all the pieces

Just the beginning

2005-04-11T14:23:00.000+08:00

As I am inspired to share pieces of my story I will write it on this homepage, if you happen to wonder across this site, please be patient with me. Don't forget to post a comment and let me know of your interest or even share your story.